Flashbacks and what-if's

I've become more accustomed to events and people from the past cropping up unexpectedly in my world. Once, a phone call or message from someone that I haven't spoken to in months or years would have thrown my brain for quite a loop, spinning wild yarns about what I did wrong, what they did wrong, what kind of person they are or were...  But not now. Now I can observe these things with  more detachment than I ever thought possible. Self-awareness rocks.

Sunday morning I received an apology text, begging for forgiveness for a wrong that I had settled in my own mind many months ago. I had determined that the person would simply never change, that this hurt they caused was a function of who they are, and since I was in no position to do anything about it at the time, there was no need in being concerned over it any longer. It hurt, I don't like to hurt, so I settled it in my head. I proceeded to remove this person from my phone contacts, from my social media outlets, and removed any reminders of them from my everyday existence. Properly purged of reminders of that particular pain, I moved forward.

I realize this sounds cold and not particularly nice. I am self-aware enough to know that things that work for me don't work for everyone. I decided a long time ago that I am ok with the fact that I am not a particularly "nice" person. I don't think that I'm a particularly negative person either. If there is an issue, I am all for being logical about it, setting out what the problem is, and finding a solution for it. If figuring out the issue is a little uncomfortable, then it's probably best to get it over with even more expeditiously. Why linger on someone or something that has caused pain?

That apology text brought on a long discussion of what the other person's choice had cost both of us. It did not end a friendship, necessarily, but it did end my trust of that person. At one time, that would have hurt a lot. Becoming self-aware of what goes spinning around in my head means that I see it for what it is, a change. Only a change. And change is neither positive or negative, it simply is. When one can accept that change is going to happen no matter what we do, the changes that do happen to us become much easier to work with. In this case, I wished the other person well and assured them that I hold no negative feelings toward them, but that the deep, trusting friendship we once shared was a thing of the past.

Self awareness opens a mental lock you never knew existed. Choosing to accept change for what it is is fantastically liberating.